by Willy Unterkoefler
Washington, D.C. Pressed for time due to COVID-19 related delays, the U.S. Census Bureau
will now be taking additional measures to ensure its count remains accurate. In a press
conference this morning Director Steven Dillingham announced that "By November, the Census will have counted every American alive at that time." The Constitution mandates
that the Census deliver its final report to the President by December 15. As the pandemic
rages on, Dillingham has faced increased scrutiny on his ability to deliver the count. The
stress was beginning to get to him. Quivering, he emphasized, "The deadline will be met, by
any means necessary. I assure you of that."
All Census employees will be issued a Colt Model P revolver to enhance their door-to-door
operations. According to an internal memo acquired by Times New Roman, Census Takers
are encouraged to also carry crowbars to supplement the standard (but less effective)
techniques of knocking and doorbell ringing. Unlike the firearms, crowbars will not be
distributed, but employees are encouraged to submit a reimbursement request with a valid
Uncounted households that cannot be covered or razed by local Census Takers will be re-
sent the Census forms via mail. This time, however, envelopes will be laced with deadly
poison. Citizens are encouraged to complete and return the forms quickly. Once the forms
have been processed and verified as correct, respondents will be eligible to receive the
Asked if these new policies would lead to mass murder, Dillingham answered, "No. Who
would be the victim in this case? As far as the Census is concerned, if you haven't been
counted, you don't exist. The bullets and poison exist only to confirm this."
The staff at Times New Roman encourage you to get counted. Now. No like right now!
They're at the door. Oh my god, Jenny, they're at the door! That lock won't hold, Jenny!
Quick! Visit www.2020census.gov before it's too late!