Former Times New Roman member, Michael Cera, Now UNRECOGNIZABLE

Cera's New Style

You know Michael Cera. He’s the boy who’s not gay but your mom lets him sleep over anyway. The good boy with the bad hair. 

Well disregard everything you thought you knew because things have changed around here. You heard it here first–Michael Cera has gone rogue. You could even say he’s been Super bad!

Where to start? Lately, he’s been everywhere. Everywhere except the gym. He is still a skinny nerd that everyone thinks is Jewish (thought he’s not–we checked!) but hasn’t been acting like his old self. He’s been caught hanging out with party girl Ice Spice, poaching animals in his free time, and then selling the fur for a profit. Really, Michael? 

If that weren’t bad enough, he’s also been called out for his intolerance. Former co-star, current enemy, David Cross called him a “bad ally.”

Cross, known for his unflattering roles– a failed actor in Arrested Development and an over involved producer in Alvin and the Chipmunks–has labelled Cera as “polyphobic.”

“Yea, the guy’s definitely got a problem with untraditional romance. I would know.” Cross said, the “guy” in question referring to Cera. Keep in mind, this is the same guy who was accused of rodent abuse. You’re on this guy’s bad list? Wow, Michael. Says a lot about you.

Cross bribes young chipmunks with the promise of musical success and high fructose corn syrup

Cera also had a melt down last month at our home turf, Afterhours (the Starbucks in Curry). Cera’s reputation had been declining, so we kindly let him come back to his former stomping grounds to cut him some slack. Unbeknown to most, Cera was once a member of our comedy club, TNR, though independent sources have rudely refused to endorse this claim.

Cera disregarded Northeastern’s accommodating nature, and seized this opportunity to bully another former co-star, Jonah Hill. He made a series of degrading comments about Hill, commenting on his size and appearance. First, you go for polyamorous community, and now this? How many phobic’s are you, Michael??

Well, Cera’s attempt to hurt Hill backfired when the fellow actor crashed the show and made a fool of Cera. He retorted Cera’s discriminatory remarks with his own hate speech, calling Cera a “virgin” and “loser” who “spends his free time watching dirty movies with his parents.” Hill later backed up this claim by tweeting a photo of Cera watching the recent Oscar-winning film, Anora with his mom. 

Hill claps back on Twitter

At TNR, his alma mater, we’re all deeply saddened by the downfall of Hollywood’s former golden boy. We know that the old, sweet Michael Cera is still in there somewhere, even if he’s doing poppers with Ice Spice right now. If you’re reading this, Michael, we still love you!!