Times New Roman's OFFICIAL List of Our New Years Resolutions

1. Get it in the butt

2. Find Princess Dianna

3. Start smoking and gain weight

4. Get “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye ft. Kimbra back on the Top 100

5. Start a GoFundMe to deflower Sir Isaac Newton (he died a sad virgin ): )

6. Bring back crack

7. Punch my dad in the throat

8. Become the Queen of Genovia

9. POTUS! (President of the United States of America)

10. Try everything (except anal)

11. Keep my big fat ass, get bikini wax, make my big fat ass shiny

12. Get friend/roommate to stop burning their ass nightly

13. Stay the same age

14. Commit 80% more arson

15. Defuse the next manhole