In one month, the Democratic Party and Republican Party will nominate Joe Biden and Donald Trump, respectively, as their nominees for President of the United States. Much like in 2016, the American public holds unfavorable views of each of the candidates, setting the stage for a third party candidate to potentially sway the election, which would set the stage for me to empty out a local liquor store and cry for four more years.
Who are the third party candidates? What do they stand for? Our state of the art journalism team and search engine has done hours of research, and compiled the information you need to know about the third party candidates!
JO JORGENSON
Name: Jo Jorgenson
Party: Libertarian Party
Age: Oh, you’re gonna let big government track how old people are?
Previous Occupations: Professor of Psychology (but at Clemson) and Libertarian Activist
Achievements: First and only female libertarian
Campaign Slogan: This time, we know who Aleppo is!
Where she stands on the issues: The usual libertarian stances - some good (End the war on drugs, defund the police, rights for LGBT community), some bad (free market health care, no gun control laws, no social security), and some that you’re surprised that she has to clarify on her platform (pro driver’s licenses)
Notable Endorsements: Justin Amash, Gary Johnson, your weed dealer
Why she’s in the race: Firm belief that the Pfizer Board of Directors would have had a kinder and more compassionate response than Public Health Officials
Who her voters are: The people arguing in the comments section
HOWIE HAWKINS
Name: Howie Hawkins
Party: Green Party
Age: 2 years away from the sex number
Previous Occupations: Green Party Candidate for NY Senate 2006, Green Party Candidate for NY’s 25th Congressional District Representative 2000, 2004, and 2008, Green Party Candidate for Governor of New York, 2010, 2014, 2018, Green Party Candidate for 4th District Common Councilor in Syracuse, 2009, 2011, and 2013, Green Party Candidate for Syracuse City Auditor, 2015, and Green Party Candidate for Syracuse City Mayor, 2017
Achievements: Has never lost a bid to be president
Campaign Slogan: The law of averages says I have to win eventually!
Where he stands on the issues: Hastily scribbled version of whatever Bernie Sanders just said Notable Endorsements: The high schoolers who ran Mike Gravels’ campaign, so technically Mike Gravel as well
Why he’s in the race: To fulfill his high school yearbook’s prophecy that he was “most likely to be an elected official”
Who his voters are: People who genuinely want America to care for its poor citizens and create a system that works for everyone, but who also fail the marshmallow test