top of page
  • Writer's picturewilly unterkoefler

Paws Arrested on 17 Counts of Racketeering (LIVE)

By Willy Unterkoefler

Friday Sept. 27 2:47AM: Paws in Cuffs! Chaos descends on the Speare Hall quad as 16 NUPD officers lead Paws out of Stetson West Dining Hall in the wee hours of the morning. “Hey can you turn off the light?” commented one Stetson West resident. “Lies! Wicked lies!” chanted the cheerleading team, which had assembled remarkably quickly considering the late hour. An anonymous source within NUPD suggests that the entire cheer team may soon also be implicated in the racketeering scheme.

Friday Sept. 27 3:17PM: Paws turns his tail. In complete disregard of Chief Keef’s likes and dislikes, Paws seems to be trying to 6ix9ine his way out of this one. “I ain’t no snitch but uhh… this goes all the way to the top, if you know what I mean. And by ‘top’ I mean the tippy top , if you know what I mean. I mean, I’m no snitch, but uhh… Aoun did it first.”

Friday Sept. 27 3:58PM: Robot-proof or robot overlord? The sudden appearance of a Roomba - iRobot’s autonomous vacuum cleaner - making its way across the courtroom seems to have triggered something in Paws. When he first noticed the seemingly innocent household appliance, he cut his sentence short. “All that I was saying about the aforementioned party, I didn’t really mean it. I was just saying stuff. Trying to lighten my sentence, you know? I take it back.” Seemingly appeased, the vacuum ceased cleaning and returned to its charging dock.

Friday Sept. 27 4:30PM: OSCCR Judge Fred Angles has set bail at $547,000. “I’m astounded,” said Professor Cassie Tro of the School of Law. “There’s no legal precedent for this. Racketeering bails are usually in the low thousands. Paws is not a flight risk. Something is up.” In the courtroom, Paws also seemed shocked. On hearing the number, he let out a small, heartbreaking whimper, much like that of a puppy whose tail has just been stepped on. What is Judge Angles up to? Does he like hurting puppies?

Friday Sept. 27 4:31PM: “Wait,” added Professor Tro. “Can OSCCR even hold trials?”

Friday Sept. 27 4:59PM: Paws back behind bars! Unable to meet bail, Paws was escorted back to the cells at NUPD Headquarters. Wary of his escape, NUPD officers manacled Paws by the hands and feet. I mean, by the paws and paws. Students gathered along the path, shouting various obscenities aimed alternatively at Paws, at NUPD, and, oddly, neighboring universities. “I trusted you, you backstabbing bitch! Man’s best friend my ass!” “Why the fuck would you racketeer you fucking dog!” “Hold me, my love!” “Free my boy Paws! He ain’t do nothin!” “Fuck NUPD!” “I stole your bike motherfuckers!” “What does racketeering even mean?!” “Racketeer me harder Daddy!” “Fuck BU! Fuck BU! Fuck BU!”

Friday Sept. 27 5:15PM: For another angle on the story, Times New Roman correspondent Carl Markson has infiltrated the shockingly active Facebook group “NUFurries” for their perspective. One member, who wishes to remain anonymous despite having repeatedly dressed up as a scantily-clad fox and frolicked around campus, said of the matter: “Paws is our idol. We will all gladly die from him. I don’t care what he said about Aoun. I want to die for Paws. I want to die in his hands. In his paws. I want Paws to hold me with his big sexy paws.”

Friday Sept. 27 5:17PM: Times New Roman correspondent Carl Markson has sent in his resignation from the publication, stating that he has found a more welcoming and accepting campus community.

Friday Sept. 27 6:09PM: Students in residence halls Davenport A and Davenport B report hearing the sounds of what appears to be a violent altercation at 716 Columbus Ave. “There was a lot of screaming. I think I heard a bark, too” said one student. “Definitely a lot of barking” added her friend. One passerby claims to have heard a voice shout, “The mask stays on! It’s part of my identity!” TNR is unable to verify this claim at this time.



bottom of page