In honor of Pride Month, TNR would like to extend the celebration to people often overlooked in the LGBTQ+ community: straight people. As such, we are thrilled to share with you the historically most platonic friendship ever between two hyper-straight best friends.
Estonian immigrant George Stevens Phillip III, sixteenth in line to The Crown (the family heirloom, not the monarchy) came to the mighty thirteen colonies in the sixty-third year after the turn of the 18th century. He was extremely compassionate and affectionate, often hugging, spooning, and sleeping in the same bed as men who struggled to find wives. These kind activities helped other men practice courting women, so when the time came, they could find the heterosexual relationship of their dreams. Once George immigrated to the thirteen colonies, he found himself stuck in a strange land speaking a strange language with not a single penny to his name. It was only his pure kindness and generosity that helped him rise out of poverty. Many men in the colonies struggled to find wives and enlisted Phillip’s help, letting him couch surf and even giving him generous tips for his services. It was said his services were so long, definitive, and rigid, men from all over the colonies would journey to see him. His life would be changed forever, though, when one particular man came into his life.
Sir Duke Manillarillo (Duke was his name, not a title) was born a Virginian, and a virgin he was indeed. Rumor has it he was so atrocious with women he would bring feminine men into his chambers mistaking them for women, even going as far as accidentally having sexual relations with them. Poor man couldn’t tell his holes apart. One day he went to Mr. Phillip for help, and help he did. Despite Phillip making men all around the country come, he knew Manillarillo was different. Here was a case so desperate that Phillip was forced to drop everything to help. It was said he started with basic courting practices and dancing, but eventually progressed to teaching Manillarillo higher-level moves like wooing people back to the tavern, having oral sex, and so on. Manillarillo enjoyed Phillip’s teachings so much they became best friends, even going so far as to hold a friendship certification ceremony in the thirty-ninth year before the turn of the 19th century. They made matching friendship bracelets around their fingers, and became inseparable. They frequently wrote intimate and sexual poetry about one another, in a manner that only platonic best friends could.
Sadly, come the British Civil War Part 16, aka the Angry Farmer’s Rebellion, aka Britain vs Colonists: Electric Boogaloo, Phillip was shipped off to war. Well, not really shipped off because it was a domestic war, but he moved from his home in Virginia. George Washington hand-picked Phillip to be his personal aide in his army, though most history books omit this fact on the count of Phillip being an Estonian immigrant. Damn racists. People really need to have more of an open mind and stop assuming hetero through history, because so much history is homo. Homogeneity is such a big problem. Anyway, Phillip fought valiantly in many battles until his untimely death at the Battle of Long Island, where Phillip didn’t actually perish in combat, but died in a canoe off the coast in a shocking and tragic whaling accident. A washed up dead whale exploded due to the buildup of gasses in its stomach, and the whale’s left testicle hit Phillip, submerging him underwater and drowning him.
Manillarillo grieved for months, wearing black and never once taking off his finger friendship bracelet. To honor the history of sacrifices of straights all over the world, read the poem Manillarillo wrote in honor of Phillip, a fitting end for his life, and for this story:
We said “‘til death do us part,”
And did death his noblest act:
That death could look fear in the eye
And chuck a blue whale’s left testicle at it
Farewell, my sweet Phillip
Farewell, and goodbye.