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  • Michael

How To Sound Like A Really Smart Dumbass

We all have that one friend who sounds like they should be at an ivy. They use fancy words like “banter”, “pretentious”, and “human rights”, words nobody knows the meaning of. You just smile and nod, pretending to understand and wishing you could sound that smart.

Well, what if I told you… YOU CAN!

I know you got rejected from Harvard and settled for Northeastern, but you can still sound just as smart as the vest-wearing prep school guy who slept with your girlfriend! Tom. Just follow these easy steps and you’ll sound like the smartest dumbass around!

PART ONE: Learn Gooder Sophisticateder Words

You must learn through experience. They say experience is the best teacher, which is why I pushed my best friend out of a moving car on the highway in Venezuela after he mentioned his bilingual desires in passing. Boy, let me tell you, the next time I saw him his Spanish was im-peck-able. So were his fists.

Step 1: Finding Smart Words

It’s extremely important you under NO circumstances look smart words up. This will make you say the words as if they’re in a dictionary when you want to say them as if they’re drinking champagne in a New York City penthouse. You also can’t learn smart words by hearing other people say them because let’s be honest, you have better things to do like getting back at Tom that son of a bitch.

The best way to learn is to type in a series of random numbers, convert that number to binary, convert that binary to letters, google the letters, and see if the “did you mean” has any suggestions. If not, repeat this process until you succeed or until you get on an FBI watch-list.

PART TWO: Implementing Wisey Words

This is the most important phase, as this will separate you from being unimpretentious vs a smart-sounding dumbass. If you’re unimpretentious then people will see right through your impro-property, so we need to make sure you do this step the fastidious-est way we can.

Step 2: Using Smart Words

Now that you’ve found your word, go to one of the academic buildings on campus. Try and find an English classroom, but really any environment with students and a teacher works. Barge in and say the following: “It’s some beautiful ____ we’re having today, wouldn’t you say?” By using the word with a question, you incite them to respond. If they look angry, congratulations, you used the world successfully! If they are still in a phallus mood, try one of the following phrases:

Wow, that weather is really _____ today, wouldn’t you say?

Wow, that weather looks like it’s going to _____, wouldn’t you say?

Is it just me, or is it that weather _______, wouldn’t you say?

Your mother is quite a _____, wouldn’t you say?

No really, security doesn’t have to escort me away. You son of a _____! Wouldn’t you say?

Step 3: Remember You’re A Dumbass

With smart usage of words comes actual smarty particlies, and this is where you must be careful! As a fellow dumbass trust me, you CANNOT afford to become smart. Many dumbasses want to be smart, but really being smart is the bane of humanity. Being smart comes with expectations of grandeur and fame, but these expectations are unrealistically high and drive all your friends to hang themselves. Ignorance is bliss, and knowing everything means understanding everything means nothing! Knowing of the pain and suffering of existence and the hopelessness of reality and the cruelty of humanity is no life at all.

So uh, don’t let all that smartness get to your head.



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