by Michael Weintraub
Every aspiring politician must learn the basics of running for office, and of course, that includes voting blocs and age demographics. Most politicians learn what to say and do to please the people, and this is a good start. However, the question politicians don’t ask is how to be hated by every age demographic. This is very important so you know what not to do when running for office. In this article I’ll instruct you on how to get slapped by every voter demographic.
Let’s start off with the most simple demographic: young voters. As a Gen Z kind of guy myself, I know the 18-29 age group well. Really. Too well. It’s probably the most straightforward to get slapped, or at least verbally assaulted, by a young’un. First, you’ll need a soapbox and a large cardboard sign. You’ll want to write the phrases: “socialism is evil”, “save your soul, find refuge with Jesus”, and finally sprinkle in some MAGA along with pictures of fascists. Go out to any college campus at the busiest corner, stand on the soapbox, hold up the sign, and wait. If nothing happens in the first 15 seconds you need to step it up, so pull down your mask below your nose and get up close and personal.
Next is the 30-49 age demographic, and this may be the hardest. You see, Millennials are already so done with the world and dead inside, there’s not much you can do to elicit a strong reaction from them. There is one thing that will always work though, a key phrase. The tricky thing is getting there conversationally. If you’re around their age, strike up a conversation about how cool skateboarding and the 90s were, then casually slip in “man, you seem exactly like my mom/dad!”. If you’re significantly older than them, claim to be a family friend or uncle or something, I don’t know, and say “wow, you’re growing up to be just like your mother/father!”. If you’re significantly younger than them, just start doing TikTok dances, then yell at them for being like their parents and not understanding youth culture.
The 50-64 demographic is by far the easiest to elicit a response from, as researchers have labeled this age group the Karen demographic. All you need to do is call a black friend and have them stand within 100 feet and watch birds. When the Karen starts hyperventilating, go up to her and ask her politely to calm down. Have sneakers on though, because you’re gonna need to RUN!
The last age demographic, 65+, is endearingly titled “The Boomers”. There are a few methods for getting them to slap you and not all of them will be successful, but at least one of the following things will work. The most effective method is to invite them to a pride parade. If that doesn’t work, try complaining about A) how expensive college is B) the economy or C) the nonexistent job market. If all that doesn’t work, then as a last resort describe to them how easy they had it in relation to you.
If you follow these steps carefully, congratulations, everyone hates you! And bonus, now that you’ve gone viral at least four times, you can use the momentum to launch a successful social media presence, 4:00 AM Adult Swim show, or political campaign! Cheers to that!