You wake up slightly nauseous with a massive headache and struggle out of bed just to find the kitchen exactly as you left it. A complete fucking mess. We’ve all been there: various liquid stains around the counters, empty bags of chips strewn about, red Solo cups and bottles littered around the floor, and all of your pillows near your window...for some reason. Well don’t fear, because TNR is here to give you all the tips you need to make day-after clean-up a breeze!
1. Painkillers
Your head is gonna be throbbing, and maybe your pelvis too depending on if you tried that party trick. Before you do anything, you need a clear head and as close to normally-functioning legs as you can get. Almost any painkiller will do: Advil, Tylenol, Ibuprofen, whatever you can get your hands on. Don’t take cocaine though. Cocaine is not the right decision here.
2. Shower
Once you’ve numbed your muscles (but not with cocaine, just with normal painkillers), you have to get off the grogginess from last night. There’s no better way to do this than a shower. I recommend hot showers so you can burn your sins away, but cold showers will do if you need that extra 10,000-volt shock of energy to get you up and running. I know you’re not quite ready to turn on the lights yet, and that’s perfectly fine. After all, you don’t want to catch a glimpse of that hideous beast in the mirror. Just be prepared to fumble around in the dark for a bit looking for the soap.
3. Food
Everybody’s stomach is different, but you’ll definitely want some food to replenish your energy. Some people need heavy foods like a leftover Naked Chicken Chalupa from Taco Bell, and some can only stomach light foods like saltines (reduced sodium). Whatever the food, you definitely do not have it because you and your guests ate it all last night, and the little bit you didn’t eat fell on the living room carpet. But not in a clean spot where it’s recoverable, it fell in that spot under the couch where your cat gave birth. Yikes. Don’t worry though! After all, you have friends for a reason. Give your bestie a call and have them bring something over for you. And don’t look at the tim—oh whoops too late. Look, it’s okay. It’s perfectly natural to sleep in until 4:00 PM on a Tuesday. Wait, a Tuesday?! Oh shit oh fuckohshitoh…
4. Clean Yourself Up
Okay, your bestie is coming over. You know they won’t judge you, but still, a decomposed deer carcass isn’t a good look for you. If you wear makeup, you know what to do. I would describe it but I honestly have no idea what putting on makeup is like so uh, I dunno, you do you. I’m sure it’ll be great. Next, you have to brush your hair, brush your teeth (listen to your dentist and floss!), and put on some deodorant so you don’t smell like a skunk had sex with a compost pin. No, Febreze does not count as a deodorant (nor does cocaine). Unless they make deodorant. Do they? No, I don’t think they do. Though I now have “Febreze deodorant” in my search history, so that’s nice.
5. Human Contact
Ding dong! The witch is dead! What? The witch isn’t dead and it was just your bestie dropping off food? Oh. Okay. Disappointing. Anyway, invite your bestie in and tell them what you can remember from last night. Oh man, it was great! What a party! So many zany and wild things happened, you couldn’t make it up! As you tell your stories though, it seems your bestie is a bit preoccupied with staring at the post-nuclear holocaust wasteland that is your kitchen. I bet you forgot about that. It’s okay, so did I. It is getting late though, it’s about dinner time. Accordingly, you sit down with your bestie. Do they want anything to drink? Maybe something with a kick, they’ve had a hard day. And what the hell, you get a drink too. You can tell your bestie needs some emotional support, so invite some other friends over. Get them drinks too. Now everyone is laughing and having a great time. The night is young!
6. And finally…
You wake up slightly nauseous with a massive headache and struggle out of bed just to find the kitchen exactly as you left it. A complete fucking mess. And what’s that other feeling? Déjà vu? Wait...