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By Dan Carr, Marine Biology Pornographist

Some of you might know what a clownfish is from animated movies like “Finding Nemo” or pornographies like “Finding Nemo’s G-Spot”. What many people don’t know is why a clownfish is called a clownfish. A wikipedia search for clownfish reveals that the name comes from the words “clown” and “fish”. Although that may seem obvious, remember that hindsight is 20/20. I personally thought that it was a combination of three words: “Clo”, “ish”, and “wnf”.

But it must be said: why was this fish called a clownfish? It is nothing like a clown. It’s just an orange hermaphrodite swimming around minding its business. There are fish that are far more colorful and interesting to look at than clownfish. There are also fish that embody the spirit and attitude of clowns. I think specifically of the fish that kills its victims by swimming into their penises and eating them that way. This is far more like a clown: it’s creepy, funny in a sick sort of way, and will definitely kill you if it can. In an ideal world, the clownfish name would have been given to the penis fish (Ed. Note: I don’t know if this is the name, but it sounds like it could be, right?) and the clownfish could have a much friendlier name like Gerald.

But since people are too attached to the clownfish name, we should instead change the names of animals with easily forgotten names with the ‘clown’ moniker. Using the clownfish as an example, we will name an animal that is orange and white, and give it the clown moniker. For example, the name ‘tiger’ is kind of boring, but the name ‘clowncat’ makes it seem far friendlier, and the song “Eye of the Clowncat” would be even more fun to sing at Karaoke night. Red Pandas have practically no name recognition, but clowndogs would have enough recognition that we might even feel motivated to save them from extinction. Maybe not, but who knows. Finally, the President of the United States has suffered from record disapproval ratings resulting from his draconian policies and incompetence. Would calling Donald Trump ‘ clownhuman’ help him? No, but it would be really funny. I say, let’s do it.

Thank you, may God Bless America, and may God Bless Clownhuman.



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