Best and Worst Female US Presidents
By Madeleine Kelly
So like, obviously there haven’t been any yet, but we here at TNR are proud supporters and believers in the multiverse theory. Somewhere out there, we have experienced the wonders of all kinds of women presidents. But some were better than others, obviously. Here’s a list.
1. Best: Miranda Cosgrove. Somewhere in the multiverse, Miranda ruled with a strong iron fist. Her hardline economic policy and strong military action were not reminiscent of her character in iCarly, but more along the lines of her character in the Jack Black box office hit School of Rock. Thank you for serving America, Madam President.
2. Worst: Chrissy Teigen. In the wake of online activism, Chrissy Teigen has been a snarky voice on the left, gearing thousands and thousands of neoliberal millennials into action. So it makes sense that somewhere along the space-time continuum she would be elected as America’s Commander in chief. Her weaknesses were not due to her utter lack of knowledge and expertise on anything policy-related, but more because of her endorsement of her husband John Legend’s rewrite of the national anthem. His sultry and emotional lyrics, while catchy, had little to do with the USA.
3. Best: Me. In some universe, I am president. I am ruling as a strong, iron-willed, cold and calculating leader of the free world and no one can stop me. Not even death. I am invincible. I will crush our enemies to dust and bathe in the oil that runs this country. I am no longer human. I am pure power.
4. Worst: Scarlet Johanssen. Running on a platform of being a Transgender Asian American woman with a VP slot all but promised Woody Allen was not the best decision for this proud Libertarian candidate.
5. Best: Donald Trump. Somewhere, somehow, in the ever-expanding and multiplying omniverse, Donald Trump is a strong, empowered woman and is doing a wonderful job. Too bad it’s not here.