DECLASSIFIED FROM JUNE 21, 2021
Sometimes our elected officials lead us astray, and it is the responsibility, nay, the sacred duty, of loyal TNR members to question why and how. What I am about to lay out before you is a conspiracy that runs to the very roots of democracy itself. Prepare yourself.
Who are the current two most high-ranking members of TNR? That’s right! Dan Carr, and Ryan Martin. Notice anything special about those names? Besides the fact that Ryan Martin is the name of a known convict for 2nd-degree pickle burglary (and manslaughter), Dan has three letters in his first name and four in his last name. Ryan has four letters in his first name, and six in his last name. If you sum this, you get 17 letters. 17 is the seventh prime number. That’s a lot of sevens. Especially when you consider Danithel has seven letters in his full first and last name. Also, Carr is a vehicle. You know what’s associated with sevens and vehicles? That’s right, Harry Potter! It prominently features a vehicle, whether it be a train or a flying car, in every book. There are seven books. And I know what you’re saying! Tell us more about Ryan committing manslaughter! But alas, that’s not related to Harry Potter. You know what is? Mail! Owls deliver a crazy amount of mail, it’s even featured prominently in the first book when Harry gets invited to attend Hogwarts. And what is delivered in the mail? That’s right! Letters! The very same thing we started with. Now we start to see the conspiracy. Dan Carr and Ryan Martin have taken over TNR and are attempting to sell us out to Big Mail. And I know what you’re thinking: “Seriously, we need to know which child Ryan killed.” And that’s a fair question, one the prosecutors did ask him. But we must stay on topic. Why would Dan and Ryan sell us out to Big Mail? Well, after some heavy and secretive research (the first page of Google), I found out that Big Mail is actually the U.S. Government. They have a monopoly on all mail in America. But this conspiracy runs even deeper. Dan Carr and Ryan Martin both have blonde hair. You know who else has blonde hair? Mitch McConnell (...in a certain light). All these facts may seem unrelated alone, but together we can draw a conclusive and definitive series of events.
A young and impressionable Mr. Carr and Mr. Martin (Dan and Ryan’s dads) were taking an improv class together at the local community college in Montgomery County, PA, when they were approached by Ronald Reagan. He, being an actor and a racist, joined the improv class and imitated ignoring an epidemic and killing tens of thousands of minorities. Mr. Carr and Mr. Martin liked it so much, they devoted their lives to Reagan. They asked him if they could do anything to please his every desire, and he said yes. Each would father children to be his secret servants who would fulfill his every wish. The men did, but one had twins! Of course, to protect the secret, the three children were separated at birth, but were told their mission. The oldest, who is none other than Mitch McConnell, decided to become a senator and block every Democrat’s proposal in existence for years and be an all around douche. He even wore makeup every day to make himself look 50 years older than he really was. The two youngest are none other than Dan Carr and Ryan Martin!!! Now they sell out TNR to the government and auction our secrets and jokes to the deep state, and they do it through the mail!
Given this information, I hope you all will join me in calling for the immediate resignation of Dan Carr and Ryan Martin, with their replacement being me, who revealed this horrendous conspiracy.
All the best,
Michael Weintraub
P.S. Ryan should probably resign anyway for that whole “murder zamboni” situation.