• Ryan Martin

Times New Roman Writer Michael Weintraub Announces Retirement Following Exposé

On February 8th 2022, Times New Roman journalist Michael Weintraub published a controversial exposé, in which he accuses current president Ryan Martin and former president Daniel Carr of being involved in an elaborate conspiracy. This conspiracy involves Former US President Ronald Reagan, Former Boy Wizard Harry Potter, and a Zamboni incident which left 78 dead. While most dismissed his statements as the rantings of a lunatic desperate for attention, there were a few who believed his outlandish claims. Despite the lack of a response from Mr. Martin or Mr. Carr, Michael decided to release an official statement tonight concerning his piece. This statement was given privately to the President of Times New Roman and is now being released to the public.

“It was all blown out of proportion,” wrote Michael in his statement. “The entire article was a huge misunderstanding. I never actually said that Mr. Carr or Mr. Martin were involved in an elaborate conspiracy. Right now I would like to clear up this fact to ensure no one believes these misunderstandings in the future.”

Michael followed up by clarifying that “this statement isn’t given under the threat of Zamboni related violence against me or any of my family. Both Mr. Carr and Mr. Martin are very nice people and are very good, not corrupt presidents. I hope that the sun will shine forever on the Times New Roman Empire.”

When pressed further for the details of his retirement, Michael stated “the retirement is my choice entirely. I felt like I had written enough silly nonsensical articles and it was time for me to settle down.” He went on to assure people that “there is also no need to worry about me if you don’t hear from me during my retirement. I will be spending my time doing leisure activities like not writing and ice skating. My family and friends should not be concerned for my well being!”

Michael’s retirement trip to the Boston Common Skating Rink will be funded by Mr. Martin and Times New Roman as a sign of good faith. While many at Times New Roman will not miss Michael’s nonsensical and ridiculous articles, his close friends will miss his quirky, skate-in-front-of-a-Zamboni attitude.