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  • One of the Dans

The Five Guys of Five Guys

The Five Guys of Five Guys

The craving hits. You would like a burger. Or a milkshake. Perhaps both? Maybe, but your personal trainer, Richard, would be furious and force you to do extra sit-ups. Your body can’t deal with that kind of pain. The reward of a burger and a milkshake may be worth it, as long as Richard doesn’t find out.

You have heard of Five Guys, the land of burgers and milkshakes. You may have heard its name whispered in hushed tones, walked past an establishment with a weary gaze, or even entered.

But do you know Five Guys? You do not.

These are them: the Five Guys.

1. Alphonzo

He is the first employee you see. He has a silky baritone voice that engulfs you in warmth.

“Welcome to the Five Guys,” he says, “would you like nourishment?” Even though you would like nourishment, his composure will leave you stunned, as all you want after seeing him is Alphonzo, perhaps with a side of fries.

He has a tattoo of a sun on his chest, which you only notice because he’s not wearing a shirt. Or perhaps it’s a shirt that’s the same color as his skin with a sun on it. It’s hard to tell.

Even though he works the register, he holds the spatula, a constant reminder that any time he wanted to, he could flip a burger.

2. Steven

He stands in the back. You only see him briefly, as he moves amongst the shadows, but this brief contact is enough for you to know that he’s the Bad Boy.

“Please stop staring at me,” he says as he carries a box of hamburger buns to the freezer. Do the hamburger buns belong in the freezer? Maybe, maybe not. He probably doesn’t care.

He’s wearing the darkest shade of red allowed by the Employee Handbook - auburn. The most dangerous shade of red, and he knows it.

3. MTV’s Dan Levy

Dan Levy. You know him from Schitt’s Creek. His father is Eugene Levy.

“I’m not that Dan Levy,” he says. “It’s a common misconception. I’m a different comedian - I’m hosting a show called House Hunters: Comedians On Couches which is streaming on Discovery+.”

Classic Dan Levy from Schitt’s Creek.

4. Richardino

He bears a striking resemblance to Richard, your personal trainer. He’s about the same height, looks similarly fit, and has the same scar on his right arm that Richard got when a shark bit him during his vacation to Scotland. If it wasn’t for his bespoke moustache, you’d swear it was Richard.

“My name is Richard...ino. Richardino,” he says, with the confidence of someone who knows his name. “What are you doing here?”

He knows your name, and repeatedly questions why you are getting a burger and a milkshake. This can be chalked up to good customer service. If you find the manager, you should ask him to give Richardino a raise.

5. You

You are the fifth guy. By entering this restaurant, you’ve cemented your fate.

“How could this be,” you think to yourself. “I’m merely a customer” Alphonzo approaches you, holding a uniform.

“The contract is sealed,” he says, his husky voice tinged with sadness, “welcome, brother.”

The uniform fits perfectly. You try to leave, but when you exit, you find yourself in the kitchen, holding a spatula, awaiting someone’s order.

“Death is your only escape,” says MTV’s Dan Levy. “That, or a customer entering and taking your place.”

A cold shiver encompasses your body. All you know now are burgers and fries. You have the urge to put bacon on a milkshake.

The cycle has claimed another victim.



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