Pandemic Tips for Returning College Students
by Willy Unterkoefler
The deaths of hundreds of thousands of people from a raging viral contagion don't mean that you can't live your #bestlife! Your college years ought to be some of the greatest in your life and we don't want anything - not even the looming promise of death and disease - to ruin it! So stay tuned for some #tips and #lifehacks on how to make the most of this sticky situation!
Eat well to keep your stomach happy and healthy! State-mandated quarantines require you to remain in your dorm room for 14 days after you arrive on campus, or until Northeastern's accurate and reliable testing center clears you. Unfortunately, this means you won't be able to enjoy the vast array of culinary delights Boston has to offer. Also note that Northeastern's dining halls, in an effort to reduce risk to its staff, will only be serving pre-packaged, soggy, lukewarm meals (Wednesday's menu features gluten-, shellfish-, lactose-, and happiness-free "crab" cakes!). You will need to wait in a two hour line to get one. Speaking of two hour lines, Rebecca's has recently gone the way of Taco Bell, Punter's, Chicken Lou's, and Connor's. Anyway, you won't want to deal with the dining hall mess. Your meal plan is still required, so you're too broke for delivery. Thankfully, we know how to make things better! We recommend stocking up on snacks. Saltines anyone? They're cheap, salty, and a great source of salt!
Seek out unconventional sources of romance! This semester you'll no longer be finding love and/or syphilis in an Alleghany St basement, so you'll need to branch out virtually to get frisky. For sharing sexual content, the Facebook group NEU Polls is a great place to start!
Stay (or get) fit! Terrible dining hall services means you won't be putting on the Freshman 15, but maybe you filled up on Mom's sourdough and gained a Covid 19! Either way now is a great time to shed some points and get #shredded! While it might be difficult to stay 6ft from your roommate in your 12 sq-ft dorm room, you can keep to your half of the room and bang out some push ups under your bed with the help of a few bed risers. Once your quarantine is done, you can also make good use of your $374 fitness center fee and hit up Marino! It will be open once a week on Wednesdays from 6:12 - 6:47 am with capacity for 8 students! Make sure to sign up for your spot early!
Get involved! Make new friends by joining a new student club or organization! All their meetings will be virtual, so Zoom in, mute your mic, turn off your camera, and before you know it, you'll be wondering what the hell anything means anymore!
Focus on your studies! When students return to Boston, they will bring a second (third?) wave of infections with them, prompting everything to shut down again. This means you won't have anything to do and can finally focus on your schoolwork! So hit the books, pay attention to your professor's lectures/hour-long attempts to share her screen on the latest video-conferencing app, and ace your way to 2021 when everything is bound to get even better!!